dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
