Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
