i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
