life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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