Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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