I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
