Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
