if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
