i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
