he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
