Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
