i need an iv and a liver transplant
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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