i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Text me some of your sweat
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