Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
