Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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