yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He kissed a someone with a penis
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
