I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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