Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
