My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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