Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
