Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
