I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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