Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
