I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
