he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
