meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
