Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
