Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
