I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
