I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think I sprained my soul last night
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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