Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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