im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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