I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
