Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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