i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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