not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
