watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
