He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
