Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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