Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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