I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
