I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
