i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
