I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
