I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
