I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
