I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
