Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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