i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
