If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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