I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
