if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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