Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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