If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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