Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
