he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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