and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
