the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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