i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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